I am a Mother....

There was a time when I thought I would never utter those words.  It was heartbreaking at times...confusing most of the time, and baffling all of the time. 

Growing up, I loved children and was sure that I would have at least 3 of my own.  "So, why, 35 years later, has God not chosen that path for me?"  This is what I was thinking 3 years ago, before our first foster child entered our lives.   For reasons I can't explain, God placed a call on my life to be a foster mom. When I look back on the experiences and events of my life, I can see God intervening and preparing my heart for such a task.  Although, I had no idea at the time that this is what he had planned.  I wish I had a better explanation for why I feel this calling...especially for my husband who has to have faith in ME that I have enough faith in GOD to trust HIS plans.  But.....I don't.  Can we really explain it when God decides to work His will in our lives? 

God has blessed us with four beautiful foster children that have touched our lives in their own unique ways.  Claudia, Collin (who we kept in respite care several times), Estrellita- "Little Star", and now Charley.  Each of them taught me things about myself that I would have never seen otherwise.  Claudia, being a heroin-exposed infant taught me patience and unconditional love.  Collin, who we thought would be our next placement, taught me temperance and faith.  I had a hard time forgiving those who thought we would not be the appropriate home for him, and understanding God's hand in that.  "Little Star", who was severely burned on most of her body, taught me courage and trust.  And now Charley.  He has taught me strong-willed determination and most of all....how to be a real mother.

I met Charley in the hospital the day after he was born.  The next day, I drove to the hospital, picked him up, and brought him home.  Curtis and I are the only parents he really knows.  He sees his biological parents some during the week. But, he's old enough now, to know that we are the ones who care for him and protect him.  I have had the wonderful opportunity to spend every day with him, watching him grow, and loving him as a mother would.  God has given me the ability to do this even though I have no guarantees about how long he will be a part of my life.  No illusions here...I feel an excruciating sadness when I think about him not being a part of my life.  But, God has prepared me for what may or may not happen.  I'm sure of it. 

Last night, Charley had his first bout of constipation.  We started a new formula a couple of days ago, so I knew that this might happen.  What I didn't expect was the heartbreaking cry that came out of him.  Charley has never really cried.  He just gets mad or scared.  He has never shed a tear or shown any signs of sadness or pain.  I could hardly stand it!  I wanted to cry myself.  I felt so helpless to help him and I wanted, so bad, to take the pain away.  I also saw a side of Curtis that made me very proud.  Curtis was being a "Dad" to Charley by soothing him with soft words and gently rocking his legs.  As I watched all of this take place and felt the anxiety and sadness of seeing my sweet baby's cries, I realized.....I am a mother.

I am a mother.  Maybe not the traditional, "what everyone thinks of" kind of mother.  But, I AM a mother.  I was Claudia's mother, Collin's mother, "Little Star's" mother, and now I'm Charley's mother.  I will never minimize my position as their mother or take that responsibility for granted.  It's a gift.   God has blessed my life by allowing me to care for these children, even if they were with me for only a short time. I have faith that he will continue to direct me in what my role as a mother should look like in the future. 

For now, I'm Charley's "Mama" and I'm going to do that job with all the joy and happiness that his little face brings to me!

Love to ya!
Shell

What's your "Blue Schwinn bike"?

Every morning for the past 4 weeks, Charley and I have crawled out of bed  WAY before sunrise to ride with Curtis to work.  We do this so that we can have the car during the day, since we are now a "one-car family".  The night before, I always find myself dreading the 5:20 alarm that gets Curtis out of bed, but secretly, I'm treasuring the precious quiet time we get to spend in the car together.  With Charley asleep in the backseat, Curtis and I hold hands, talk about what our day will look like, and most importantly, pray together.  More often than not, I take the opportunity to pray for my husband (since he IS driving :-) ).  As head of our household, God has given him the great responsibility of not only providing for our family, but leading us, spiritually, to follow God's will.  That's not a task to be taken lightly, so when I'm given the opportunity to pray over him, you betcha...I take it!

So, what "God's will" looks like in our lives has been heavy on our hearts lately.  We have HUGE decisions to make in the upcoming months, with several options from which to chose. God has used these early morning prayers to remind me that in the midst of all this decision-making, HIS will is perfect and is worth being sought out and followed. But how will I know...how will WE know God's will?....Curtis and I have been reading an AWESOME book that our dear friend and pastor, Phil Warren, gave us when I began my journey as a "stay at home mom".  The book, "Experiencing God" has taught us, challenged us, and convicted us.  We have been reading it together, a chapter at a time.  A couple of weeks ago, God used that book to speak into our hearts, at a time when we needed to hear it the most.  Funny how God does that, huh? 

"Likewise, the Spirit also helps in our weaknesses.  For we do not know what we should pray for as we ought, but the Spirit Himself makes intercession for us with groanings which cannot be uttered.  Now He who searches the hearts knows what the mind of the Spirit is, because He makes intercession for the saints according to the will of God" (Romans 8:26-27).

When we are in a love relationship with the Lord, the Holy Spirit prays for us.  (I knew that..didn't I?)  He already knows the will of God, AND, He helps us know the will of God when we pray!  (Why all this doubt?  How could I forget about the Holy Spirit?)  This reminder convicted me, and filled me with hope at the same time! 

The book used a simple example of how the Holy Spirit works in our lives.  Curtis and I were both able to relate to it in a BIG way.  The author told a story of how he bought his son a blue Schwinn bike for his 6th birthday.  He hid it in the garage, and went about the task of trying to convince his son that he WANTED a blue Schwinn bike for his birthday. After some time, his son decided that what he really wanted for his birthday was a blue Schwinn bike.  It was already in the garage.  His father convinced him, he asked for it, and he got it.  The Holy Spirit works in our lives in much the same way.  He knows what God has "in the garage". It's already there. The Holy Spirit works to get you to want it and ask for it.  God tells us that if we ask for things that He already wants to give or do, we will always receive it because we asked it ACCORDING TO HIS WILL.   (Matthew 21:22, John 14:13-14, John 15:16)

Isn't it amazing that God already has a plan for us?!  I'm blown away by the mere thought of that.  I spend so much time agonizing and worrying about what's ahead of me, that sometimes I forget to enjoy what God has placed at my feet right at this very moment. Such as...the Holy Spirit's presence in my life.  He's urging me on, convincing me to want God's will and to ask for it. 

During this particular study time, Curtis leaned over, looked me in the eye, and asked, "So, what's OUR blue Schwinn bike?"  I thank God that He has given us the Holy Spirit to show us what that will be.  We still pray fervently about what lies ahead for us, but it is with a renewed faith and hope that God will "convince" us that we desperately want His will, not ours.

My praise for today - A prayer from Paul to the Ephesians:  "Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen."  Ephesians 3:20-21

Love to ya!
Shell

Our Little Star

Estrellita was our 2nd foster child.  She was our first and only toddler.  At 3 1/2, Estrellita, who preferred to be called, "Little Star", was a feisty little girl, with a determination that wouldn't stop.  I met Star in the rehabilitation hospital, where she had been living for the past year.  At 2 1/2, she had fallen into a pot of soup, and had been burned over 70% of her body.  She was a scared, but rambunctious toddler who loved attention.  I spent the better part of a week at the hospital learning to care for her wounds, and attending therapy with her so that I could learn her daily exercises and stretches.

Star and I left the hospital, armed with boxes and boxes of medical supplies, about 15 prescriptions, and LOTS to learn about each other.  Being Hispanic, Star's native language was Spanish, but she had started learning some English from the nurses and therapists at the hospital.  The language barrier was only one of the many hurdles we were to encounter in the upcoming months.

Every morning at 6:00 a.m., Star would have to be taken off of her nightly feedings through her belly, and the "button" (where the feedings entered her stomach) would have to be flushed.  I would get her dressed, cleaned up (if she had wet the bed, as she usually did), and drive her to meet the hospital van.  She would then ride in the van for an hour to spend the day in therapy at the hospital. I would pick up a worn out, crying, little girl in the late afternoon, bring her home, feed her, and start the grueling process of addressing her wounds.  I use the word "grueling" for her benefit.  Yes, it was time consuming, and I was often "worn out" myself.  But it was nothing compared to what she had to endure.

As soon as she finished dinner, Star would have to donn a silicone mask to reduce the scarring on her face, and an airplane splint that held her arms out away from her body, to prevent further contractions in her arm pits.  She hated this and almost always cried.  But being the trooper that she was, she would hold her arms out for the splint, and allow me to put the mask on her face, even through her tears and protests.  Star couldn't play in these "contraptions", so I would lift her onto a chair and she would watch "Dora" movies (her favorite!) for a couple of hours.  It made me sad to see her obediently sitting in the chair like that, watching her Dora movie, when I knew she would rather be running around, playing with her dolls, and riding her tricycle around the dining room table. There was a lesson for me in that.

I often gave in and allowed Star a few minutes of real "playtime" before we started her nightly burn care.  I knew it would mean less sleep for the both of us, but she was "my child".  How could I say no to her longing to be a kid? 

My first task each night was to convince her that she would have to take a shower, not a bath.  The burn specialist had agreed that she could take a bath once or twice a week, but showers would be a must to keep her skin from developing infections.  Star loved taking baths.  She would play with the toys, pretending to have tea parties with her friends, pouring the water from a plastic pitcher into the plastic tea cups.  My heart was happy to see this, but unfortunately for her, it was a rare occasion.  Once we entered the shower, I used a special soap to disinfect Star's skin and scalp.  It wasn't the normal "smell good, foo foo" soap and shampoo that most little girls love....it was a hospital grade, institutional smelling, drying, anti-bacterial soap that had absolutely no "fun value" to it, whatsoever.  After her bath, Star's skin had to be lubricated from the top of her scalp to the tip of her toes with a special cream, and her wounds had to have antibiotic cream and medication strips placed on them before being wrapped with gauze.  We then started the difficult process of donning her pressure garments.  If you have never had to wear a pressure garment, consider yourself lucky.  They are difficult to put on,  and near impossible to put on a wiggly 3 year old.  Star had pants, a shirt, and gloves that had to fit snug, in order to reduce the scarring that the burns would cause.  Next, her feeding bag had to be filled with formula and attached to a machine that would send the formula through the tube into a hole in her belly.  The hole in her belly had to be flushed with water and medicine, which was very painful for Star.

Once this was completed, I always breathed a short sigh of relief as I helped Star get into bed.  As she lay back, she would start giggling.  "Mack, Mack," she would say.  What???.....Oh, I forgot her mask!  It never failed.  By the time I would get to this point in our routine, my mind was on autopilot, heading for my pillow.  I reached for her mask and her hand splints that she would have to wear while she was sleeping.  As she laid her head on her pillow, mask and hand splints in place, she would say, "Good night, MiMi, I love you."  "I love you too, my Little Star".  I would say her prayers with her, pull her princess netting around her bed, tuck her Dora doll under her arm, and kiss her goodnight.

As I walked to her bedroom door, I almost always stopped, turned back and grieved for the sweet child that lay soundly in that bed.  She was attached to a feeding machine by a long tube that made her belly hurt when she moved, she wore a face mask that made her face and head sweat profusely, and she had hard plastic splints covering her hands that made it impossible for her to use her hands, even to scratch her skin that itched constantly.   I could only look for a few seconds.  My heart couldn't bear more.  How does she sleep so soundly?  How can she be so happy every day?  There was another lesson for me in that.

Star lived with us for only a couple of months.  She moved to Lincoln to live with another foster family, due to safety concerns, involving her biological family.  Even though our time with her was short, she taught us more about ourselves, love, and patience than we could have ever imagined.  To see her go out in public for the first time, feeling the stares and whispers of other people (many of whom were adults!), and keep her head held high and a smile on her face made me swell with pride for her.  I was humbled by her ambitiousness to live life to the fullest...making friends at daycare, talking to strangers at the grocery store, and desiring Curtis and I to be her "MiMi and Poppy" without hesitation.

Curtis and I still see Star now and then.  She is in a wonderful foster home, with a mother who is willing to adopt her.  She loves her life and is very happy.   I have no doubt that God sent "Little Star" into our lives for a specific purpose.  I hope that her time with us not only changed our hearts, but also hers.  My prayer for her is that she continues to trust God to bring people into her life that love her and want to care for her.  May she always be a "Little Star" for Jesus.   

Love to ya!
Shell

Fall Party @ Friesen's Hobby Farm!



Charley expressing his EXTREME excitement about the Fall Party!

 Yesterday was a beautiful day!!  It was sunny and cool, with not a cloud in the sky...a PERFECT day to be outside with friends at a fall party.  Curtis, Charley, and I packed up our white chicken chili (which won the chili-cook off, thank you thepioneerwoman.com!) and our lawn chairs and headed to Roger and Denise Friesen's hobby farm. 

We were greeted by a small child dressed like a pumpkin, showing us where to park on the grassy area, then Roger welcomed us with a big basket of warm, cheesy garlic bread.  YUMMY!  As we crossed the creek to the area where we would be having the party, we saw lots of friends, but lots of new faces, too. 

I was happy to see so many people there, as this was also a fundraiser for the Friesen's marriage ministry.  They serve the Lord in such an awesome way.  So many marriages have been transformed by their counsel and encouragement.  Check out their website:  SOSmarriageministry.com.  Curtis and I were involved in one Roger and Denise's "Song of Solomon" dinner party series a couple of years ago, and LOVED it!  We didn't feel like our marriage was in crisis, but it sure helped us draw closer to each other and to Christ.  So, if you live even remotely close to Omaha, and your marriage is in need of help, contact the Friesens.  You won't be sorry.  If you don't live close, and your marriage needs help, please don't wait.  Find someone to counsel you and speak Jesus's love into your hearts. 

The party was a perfect way to kick-off the fall season.  There was LOTS of chili and yummy sweets, a "bobbing for apples" tub, a goat to pet, volleyball games, disc golf, and a fire pit for making smores.  We even picked out our own pumpkins from the pumpkin patch!  Everyone had a wonderful time visiting with old friends, as well as making new ones.  Curtis, Charley, and I sat on a blanket, and ate our chili with friends, Bob and Teresa, who we haven't seen in almost a year.  It was a great way to catch up and enjoy each other's company. 

Thank you, Roger and Denise, for hosting the best fall parties!  Curtis and I pray that your ministry will thrive and that the Lord will continue to bless you abundantly as you reach out to those who are hurting or in need of direction and counsel in their marriage.  Thank you for being such a good example of what Christ wants for us in a marriage, and most of all, thank you for being such good friends to Curtis and I.  We love you both!!

Love to ya!
Shell

**I took my camera with the intention of taking lots of party shots, but with a 4 month old in tow, that didn't happen....who knew!!!?? LOL!



"Chillin' on the blanket




Charley and MoMo



Charley and his good friend Sadie



Headed to the Friesen's Hobby Farm!




"Hi, Emma!  So glad you like to love on me!"