A is for...Autism

THERE.  I said it.  We now have a diagnosis of Autism.  Specifically, Pervasive Developmental Disorder-Not Otherwise Specified.  I didn't know what to do with that information for the first few days.  I felt like I was saying a "dirty" word or that maybe Charley would "look different" now. I didn't want to talk about it or tell anyone.  I can't say that I was completely surprised by the diagnosis, given some of Charley's behaviors. But, it was still an emotional blow.  As a therapist, I've worked with lots of kids with autism and always found myself wondering how the parents "did it".  Well, I guess I'll know now. 

I knew some in our "therapy world" would scoff and discount the diagnosis, some family and friends would say, "He will grow out of it. He's just being a boy!" and some would probably even say, "DUH! You didn't know?"  To all of them I say, "If you know our sweet son, I appreciate your opinion. But, it's just that...your opinion."  Believe me, we've heard 1000 different opinions from qualified and not-so qualified individuals.  And, honestly, every one of those opinions land on my heart.  Because Charley is my son.  He is my child.  I love that child with all my heart.  And, if the autism diagnosis means that Charley will have access to more services now and in the future, then I'm OK with it.  Especially, since I watched the test, talked at length with the physician and therapist who tested him, and understood and agreed with the results. 

Charley is his own unique little self.  If you only know him through the BAZILLION pictures that I've posted on facebook, you don't know the extent of his disabilities.  Most of my friends don't really know until they spend an hour or so with us in a restaurant, at a park, or at home.  Some don't know what to say...some judge...but some just love us - period.  I thank God for those who don't mumble under their breath when I give Charley his binky when he's having a meltdown, or when I give him a sippy instead of an open cup because he doesn't have the praxis and motor control to bring the cup to his mouth without spilling it all over himself.  The lack of eye contact, inability to really play with other children, the frequent visual self-stimulation with anything that resembles a stick, the severe lack of balance and clumsiness, and the emotional breakdowns when getting over-whelmed are just a few of his "quirky" traits that make life a little more difficult for Charley.  They don't define him and neither does autism.

Charley is a beautiful, fun-loving, sweet, sometimes shy little boy with a smile that will literally melt your heart.  He loves music, his dog, his Daddy and anything that spins.  He just recently became "attached at the hip" to Mommy (and I LOVE it!) and he has the BEST giggle and laugh that you will ever hear from a child.  Despite some huge developmental hurdles he faces, we truly believe that he will achieve great things.  Only God knows what that will be and it's our hope that one day, Charley will desire to have Jesus in his heart so that he can follow that path that God has already set in motion for him. 

So, if you get the opportunity to meet Charley...please don't take it personally if he doesn't acknowledge that you're in the room, or he hides his face in my neck, or has a meltdown in the floor.  You may get a big wave, a huge smile, and a babbling one-sided conversation.  Who knows?...We never do! :-) 

Just know that God placed this special little one in our lives for specific reasons.  All of which, I'm guessing, don't necessarily have to do with Charley.  He has taught us so much in the last 2 years about God's redeeming love, grace, and faithfulness.  Four days after the autism diagnosis, we found out that Charley is having seizures that the physicians don't want to treat at this time.  Again, hard news to swallow, especially after we were told that at some point they will be severe enough to treat.  Next week, we go to Cardinal Glennon in St. Louis to test his kidneys, heart, eyes, hearing, and to visit the genetics clinic to learn more about his specific chromosome deletion.  Please pray with us that the Lord will have his hand on Charley and his health, and that He would continue to give us the strength and knowledge to handle what challenges we may face while helping Charley navigate his way through life.

Love to ya,
Shell

Shoe Shopping...sort of...

Charley and I went shoe shopping this afternoon.  Sounds glamorous, I know. But, it wasn't.  My plan for our shopping trip was carefully thought out and planned down to the last diaper change and the minutes left before a possible meltdown.  I thought I had this one.  Charley, unfortunately, did not have shoe shopping on his list of "to do's" today.

I knew this could possibly end in disaster, as we weren't just shopping for shoes. We were shopping for shoes that would fit over the new orthotics that he is to start wearing.  I tried the easy route of going without him and sticking the orthotics into the shoe, thinking I could find the correct size and make it work.  Wrong...So, I drive to two different stores with Charley in tote, the stroller, the orthotics (which are very bulky by the way, and extend above his ankle) and a pair of socks.  We WILL get this done!

As soon as we enter the first store, Charley starts to fuss...I'm not surprised but I get anxious to get he process moving a little faster.  I try three different shoes all while trying to wrestle him on the floor and chase him around the store, as he waddles around with a shoe on one foot and just an orthotic on the other.  This was more drama than it sounds, given the expression on the store clerk's face and her nervousness as I twist, push, and pull on his leg and foot to get all of this "gear" to fit together.  No luck...on to the next shoe store. <sigh>

Before we left the second store, Charley had dropped (ok...thrown) several CheezIts on the floor and was pacing up and down the same short aisle, head cocked, arms out, and with his talk/cry on the loudest setting.  At one point, I sat on the floor, in the CheezIts, and watched my "special needs" child, tears barely held back.  I absolutely love this child.  Seeing him struggle with seemingly easy tasks and become overwhelmed with situations and environments that we take for granted breaks my heart.  I watched him calm himself by focusing in on the black and white striped shoe boxes all lined up on the shelf, and try to walk with the new bulky orthotics and shoes that "Momma" had made him wear...feeling guilty.  Guilty for not doing enough, for not being able to "make it better".  Guilty for feeling that all along "WE chose Charley", when in that moment, I realized, "GOD CHOSE CHARLEY FOR US". 

God knew that I couldn't do it without HIM.  There is no way I could be Charley's mom and take care of his needs without HIS provision and guidance.  I believe that God not only placed Charley in our lives because Charley needed a good, loving home...but He knew that we needed Charley, so that HE could carry out his plan for our lives and use us for HIS will.

The day ended with Charley being extra happy with his new shoes and being much more steady on his feet.  And I caught another glimpse of God's path for me.  That's how I get it...little glimpses that lead me on in the direction He has for me.  I changed my blog's title today to reflect how I see this perfect, chromosome-deleted blessing that we call Charley.  He's not a child with "special needs"...He's a LIFE SPECIAL...a NEED LOVED.

Love to ya!
Shell

The Ugly Truth

I have a new friend.  Her name is Reyna.  She doesn't know she's my friend, but her face and the story of her life will forever be etched in my heart.  Reyna came to my house a couple of days before we moved from California to buy Charley's crib and changing table.  She showed up in an average vehicle with her husband and 10 year old daughter.  To most people, Reyna would not have stood out in a crowd as being "different"...but I saw it.  As I stood chatting with her in my living room, I couldn't help noticing the darkness.  Her dark eyes, dark hair, and the heaviness surrounding us.  Don't misunderstand.  She was very pleasant, kind, and even excited about buying a crib for the child they were planning to conceive.  But...Reyna has a story. 

Reyna noticed Charley playing across the room and commented about how much he looked like my husband (isn't that funny?  We get that all the time!).  I took advantage of the opportunity to tell her Charley's story of foster care and adoption.  She listened intently and as I finished, she boldly said, "I grew up in foster care."  Somehow, I already knew that.  There was a connection there between us that only God could have weaved.  As she shared her story with me, my heart felt like it was being squeezed and rung out like a washcloth.  This girl knew pain.  She knew heartache, disappointment, and fear.  This was the darkness that I saw.  But, she also knew victory.

Reyna grew up in several foster homes.  She left her bags unpacked when she arrived at a new home because it wouldn't be long until Family Services would come for her and her siblings to take them back to their mother, who had straightened her life out just enough to get them back for a few weeks.  Family Services would once again, would show up to whisk them away to another foster home.  At fifteen, Reyna became pregnant.  She told me that she hated life and had decided that she was going to let this baby grow up in the same F***ed up way that she had known.  But, something changed.  She didn't explain, but she somehow, for some reason, turned her life around.  My hope is that she had someone in her life, maybe a foster parent, that showed her that God really does love her and wants to give her hope and a future (see Jeremiah 29:11). 

So, at 16, Reyna became emancipated and raised her child on her own.  She finished high school, attended college, landed a good job working with developmentally disabled adults, and got married.  Yea, Reyna! Before we said goodbye, I hugged her tightly and told her how proud I was of her.  She didn't see my tears or even know that I saw MY foster children in her face...Claudia, Star, Collin.  The darkness that I saw was something that only I could see.  I was supposed to see it.  I was supposed to be bothered by it.  Jesus WANTED me to be disturbed.

I needed to meet Reyna more than she needed to meet me.  I needed to see that being a foster parent is what God intended.  Foster care is ugly.  Unless you have been placed in the middle of it, you will NEVER really understand the utterly desperate situation in which these children are placed.  You will never know how their lives are forever scarred and how screwed up their version of "normal" really is.  BUT THERE IS HOPE!  Reyna is an example of hope.  She is an adult that pulled herself out of that "muck" and made something of her life.  Unfortunately, I also know adults who have grown up in foster care or less than perfect situations that just couldn't get away from it.  They learned to be dependent on the dysfunction.  I can't and won't judge them because I didn't live it like they did.  But, I KNOW THERE IS HOPE from this ugly truth and I pray daily that they will someday know that too.

God placed another person in my life recently that made a lasting impact.  I will call her Sarah, because she asked that her name not be revealed.  She too grew up in foster care and now has a precious family and a thriving career.  She is a beautiful person inside and out. Our meeting was not by chance.  Again, Jesus wants me to be disturbed.  Why and what for?  Not exactly sure right now, but I know that He will make it clear to me when the time is right.  I asked Sarah if I could share her story, because it's one that I think everyone needs to hear.  It's THE UGLY TRUTH of foster care.  You may have no interest in being a foster parent, or loving a foster child.  But, you need to know the TRUTH.  So...here it is.  Straight from Sarah's heart.

"When I was little I have very few memories.  I remember one time my mother's boyfriend tried to light me on fire while standing at the kitchen sink, and i remember another time when my brother was in trouble another boyfriend of my mothers held a shot gun to the back of his head and told him not to move a muscle or he was a goner. And then my sister being shot with BB guns over and over and over again. I don't remember being happy but I remember listening to Black Velvet as a caseworker slowly drove me away from my smiling mother who just simply didn't want us anymore. The first family i lived with seemed nice, they had a boy who they adopted named Marcus. Marcus had everything, his own room, his own clothes and I had nothing. They made me sleep in the basement by the laundry shoot. when my caseworker found that out she made me move again. I went to an orphanage...from there group home after group home, no body wanted this little girl. By the age of 6 I had been sexually molested and raped, drowned and cut with scissors. When I turned 7 I went and lived with a pretty descent family, they had 4 foster children. It was alright but if i didn't eat my dinner they ground it up and made me drink it :O it was pretty awful. But the worst thing that happened came after about a year and a half of living there, the eldest girl had claimed that the dad of the house touched her inappropriately and for the first time being in the system the caseworker listened to a child.. I was immediately moved from the first stable home i have ever lived in. then i went from group homes to respite care facilities until i was 10 then i was introduced to a nice couple. They had me for two years and they sat me down and i figured it was bad news.. but they asked me if i wanted to shorten my name :) all i could do was cry. On the day I was adopted June 22, I couldn't have been a happier little girl. Last year (2010) I learned that my adoptive mother had been trying to get me since i was 5, she begged and pleaded with the state to let her take me, she was turned down on multiple occasions. I couldn't love my mother more than I have since I heard her say that she was fighting for me when no one else would."....So, there you have it.  THE UGLY TRUTH. 

I share these stories with you only because I feel that God is commanding me to do so.  He has literally woke me up WAY early (and I'm NOT a morning person) several mornings in the past month with a heaviness for sharing this story.  I have hesitated because it's long and it's difficult.  It's difficult to share because I have foster children that I love, that may live a life like I have described. And, because it's long, many of you may not even finish reading this blog post.  But, if you did, please know that God wants you to be disturbed too.  Ask Him what he wants you to do with what you now know.  It may even be as simple as being kind to a person that needs love.  Recently, our pastor, Ron Watts, wrote an impactful statement in an e-mail that resonated with me.  " I want to live for what really matters, those things of ultimate importance. And there is nothing more important, according to Jesus, than loving God and others."

Isn't that what it's all about?  Now that I've shared this, my prayer is that God will reveal what he has in store for the next phase of my journey with Him.  This UGLY TRUTH can become a beautiful story of love, forgiveness, and compassion for so many who live it if we only open our eyes...May God break our hearts for what breaks His.

Love to you,
Shell

Blessed Beyond Measure

As I type this morning, the house is unusually quiet.  It reminds me of just a few short months ago when Charley was an infant, taking several naps per day and Curtis was spending the majority of his time at school.  I cherished those moments of silence.  Every seasoned Mom told me to take advantage of that time and nap myself, but I just couldn't help but to curl up in a chair and just savor the quiet...meditating, praying, and contemplating. 

These days, it seems that the quiet has been replaced with the wonderful sounds of a toddler's babbling, laughter, cries for attention, and all the noise that comes with motherhood.  I don't enjoy it any less, it's just different.  So, now, when the quiet moments last a little longer, I'm more than willing to drop whatever I'm doing, say a prayer of gratitude, and once again savor the quiet.

Today, I can't help but to reflect on the many life-changing events that the "Prichard family" experienced in 2011.  WOW! What a year!  I have to be honest and say that I'm GLAD it's over, but yet I can't help but to say that more than any year we have had as a family, we were BLESSED BEYOND MEASURE.

2011....Curtis graduated as a DOCTOR of PHARMACY, became a DAD, and started a NEW CAREER!  I became a MOTHER (celebrated my first Mother's Day!), AND I turned FORTY.  Charley turned ONE, got kicked out of preschool (not really! :-) ), started getting teeth, and was ADOPTED into our family!  And as a family, we moved to Missouri then ended up across the country in Northern California!  That's a lot of change for us.  I highlighted the good things, but of course, with the good, comes the hard.  Leaving family and friends behind in Nebraska and Missouri was difficult.  Sending Charley to daycare only to watch him struggle was sad.  Seeing Charley cry because his teeth hurt was disheartening and the realization that his biological parents were giving up their rights to know and raise their child was heartbreaking.  BLESSED BEYOND MEASURE.  Because of Jesus, I can still say that.  He was with us through the good parts and the hard parts of 2011.

I have no doubt that 2012 will bring its share of surprises and life-changing events for our family.  It's just "how we roll".  Our "rolling" seems smoother when we allow God to lead us in the direction he has planned for us, so..."Yep, I'm ready for 2012, Lord.  Count me in!"

Love to ya!
Shell