Growing up, I loved children and was sure that I would have at least 3 of my own. "So, why, 35 years later, has God not chosen that path for me?" This is what I was thinking 3 years ago, before our first foster child entered our lives. For reasons I can't explain, God placed a call on my life to be a foster mom. When I look back on the experiences and events of my life, I can see God intervening and preparing my heart for such a task. Although, I had no idea at the time that this is what he had planned. I wish I had a better explanation for why I feel this calling...especially for my husband who has to have faith in ME that I have enough faith in GOD to trust HIS plans. But.....I don't. Can we really explain it when God decides to work His will in our lives?
God has blessed us with four beautiful foster children that have touched our lives in their own unique ways. Claudia, Collin (who we kept in respite care several times), Estrellita- "Little Star", and now Charley. Each of them taught me things about myself that I would have never seen otherwise. Claudia, being a heroin-exposed infant taught me patience and unconditional love. Collin, who we thought would be our next placement, taught me temperance and faith. I had a hard time forgiving those who thought we would not be the appropriate home for him, and understanding God's hand in that. "Little Star", who was severely burned on most of her body, taught me courage and trust. And now Charley. He has taught me strong-willed determination and most of all....how to be a real mother.
I met Charley in the hospital the day after he was born. The next day, I drove to the hospital, picked him up, and brought him home. Curtis and I are the only parents he really knows. He sees his biological parents some during the week. But, he's old enough now, to know that we are the ones who care for him and protect him. I have had the wonderful opportunity to spend every day with him, watching him grow, and loving him as a mother would. God has given me the ability to do this even though I have no guarantees about how long he will be a part of my life. No illusions here...I feel an excruciating sadness when I think about him not being a part of my life. But, God has prepared me for what may or may not happen. I'm sure of it.
Last night, Charley had his first bout of constipation. We started a new formula a couple of days ago, so I knew that this might happen. What I didn't expect was the heartbreaking cry that came out of him. Charley has never really cried. He just gets mad or scared. He has never shed a tear or shown any signs of sadness or pain. I could hardly stand it! I wanted to cry myself. I felt so helpless to help him and I wanted, so bad, to take the pain away. I also saw a side of Curtis that made me very proud. Curtis was being a "Dad" to Charley by soothing him with soft words and gently rocking his legs. As I watched all of this take place and felt the anxiety and sadness of seeing my sweet baby's cries, I realized.....I am a mother.
I am a mother. Maybe not the traditional, "what everyone thinks of" kind of mother. But, I AM a mother. I was Claudia's mother, Collin's mother, "Little Star's" mother, and now I'm Charley's mother. I will never minimize my position as their mother or take that responsibility for granted. It's a gift. God has blessed my life by allowing me to care for these children, even if they were with me for only a short time. I have faith that he will continue to direct me in what my role as a mother should look like in the future.
For now, I'm Charley's "Mama" and I'm going to do that job with all the joy and happiness that his little face brings to me!
Love to ya!
Shell
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