I am a Mother....

There was a time when I thought I would never utter those words.  It was heartbreaking at times...confusing most of the time, and baffling all of the time. 

Growing up, I loved children and was sure that I would have at least 3 of my own.  "So, why, 35 years later, has God not chosen that path for me?"  This is what I was thinking 3 years ago, before our first foster child entered our lives.   For reasons I can't explain, God placed a call on my life to be a foster mom. When I look back on the experiences and events of my life, I can see God intervening and preparing my heart for such a task.  Although, I had no idea at the time that this is what he had planned.  I wish I had a better explanation for why I feel this calling...especially for my husband who has to have faith in ME that I have enough faith in GOD to trust HIS plans.  But.....I don't.  Can we really explain it when God decides to work His will in our lives? 

God has blessed us with four beautiful foster children that have touched our lives in their own unique ways.  Claudia, Collin (who we kept in respite care several times), Estrellita- "Little Star", and now Charley.  Each of them taught me things about myself that I would have never seen otherwise.  Claudia, being a heroin-exposed infant taught me patience and unconditional love.  Collin, who we thought would be our next placement, taught me temperance and faith.  I had a hard time forgiving those who thought we would not be the appropriate home for him, and understanding God's hand in that.  "Little Star", who was severely burned on most of her body, taught me courage and trust.  And now Charley.  He has taught me strong-willed determination and most of all....how to be a real mother.

I met Charley in the hospital the day after he was born.  The next day, I drove to the hospital, picked him up, and brought him home.  Curtis and I are the only parents he really knows.  He sees his biological parents some during the week. But, he's old enough now, to know that we are the ones who care for him and protect him.  I have had the wonderful opportunity to spend every day with him, watching him grow, and loving him as a mother would.  God has given me the ability to do this even though I have no guarantees about how long he will be a part of my life.  No illusions here...I feel an excruciating sadness when I think about him not being a part of my life.  But, God has prepared me for what may or may not happen.  I'm sure of it. 

Last night, Charley had his first bout of constipation.  We started a new formula a couple of days ago, so I knew that this might happen.  What I didn't expect was the heartbreaking cry that came out of him.  Charley has never really cried.  He just gets mad or scared.  He has never shed a tear or shown any signs of sadness or pain.  I could hardly stand it!  I wanted to cry myself.  I felt so helpless to help him and I wanted, so bad, to take the pain away.  I also saw a side of Curtis that made me very proud.  Curtis was being a "Dad" to Charley by soothing him with soft words and gently rocking his legs.  As I watched all of this take place and felt the anxiety and sadness of seeing my sweet baby's cries, I realized.....I am a mother.

I am a mother.  Maybe not the traditional, "what everyone thinks of" kind of mother.  But, I AM a mother.  I was Claudia's mother, Collin's mother, "Little Star's" mother, and now I'm Charley's mother.  I will never minimize my position as their mother or take that responsibility for granted.  It's a gift.   God has blessed my life by allowing me to care for these children, even if they were with me for only a short time. I have faith that he will continue to direct me in what my role as a mother should look like in the future. 

For now, I'm Charley's "Mama" and I'm going to do that job with all the joy and happiness that his little face brings to me!

Love to ya!
Shell

What's your "Blue Schwinn bike"?

Every morning for the past 4 weeks, Charley and I have crawled out of bed  WAY before sunrise to ride with Curtis to work.  We do this so that we can have the car during the day, since we are now a "one-car family".  The night before, I always find myself dreading the 5:20 alarm that gets Curtis out of bed, but secretly, I'm treasuring the precious quiet time we get to spend in the car together.  With Charley asleep in the backseat, Curtis and I hold hands, talk about what our day will look like, and most importantly, pray together.  More often than not, I take the opportunity to pray for my husband (since he IS driving :-) ).  As head of our household, God has given him the great responsibility of not only providing for our family, but leading us, spiritually, to follow God's will.  That's not a task to be taken lightly, so when I'm given the opportunity to pray over him, you betcha...I take it!

So, what "God's will" looks like in our lives has been heavy on our hearts lately.  We have HUGE decisions to make in the upcoming months, with several options from which to chose. God has used these early morning prayers to remind me that in the midst of all this decision-making, HIS will is perfect and is worth being sought out and followed. But how will I know...how will WE know God's will?....Curtis and I have been reading an AWESOME book that our dear friend and pastor, Phil Warren, gave us when I began my journey as a "stay at home mom".  The book, "Experiencing God" has taught us, challenged us, and convicted us.  We have been reading it together, a chapter at a time.  A couple of weeks ago, God used that book to speak into our hearts, at a time when we needed to hear it the most.  Funny how God does that, huh? 

"Likewise, the Spirit also helps in our weaknesses.  For we do not know what we should pray for as we ought, but the Spirit Himself makes intercession for us with groanings which cannot be uttered.  Now He who searches the hearts knows what the mind of the Spirit is, because He makes intercession for the saints according to the will of God" (Romans 8:26-27).

When we are in a love relationship with the Lord, the Holy Spirit prays for us.  (I knew that..didn't I?)  He already knows the will of God, AND, He helps us know the will of God when we pray!  (Why all this doubt?  How could I forget about the Holy Spirit?)  This reminder convicted me, and filled me with hope at the same time! 

The book used a simple example of how the Holy Spirit works in our lives.  Curtis and I were both able to relate to it in a BIG way.  The author told a story of how he bought his son a blue Schwinn bike for his 6th birthday.  He hid it in the garage, and went about the task of trying to convince his son that he WANTED a blue Schwinn bike for his birthday. After some time, his son decided that what he really wanted for his birthday was a blue Schwinn bike.  It was already in the garage.  His father convinced him, he asked for it, and he got it.  The Holy Spirit works in our lives in much the same way.  He knows what God has "in the garage". It's already there. The Holy Spirit works to get you to want it and ask for it.  God tells us that if we ask for things that He already wants to give or do, we will always receive it because we asked it ACCORDING TO HIS WILL.   (Matthew 21:22, John 14:13-14, John 15:16)

Isn't it amazing that God already has a plan for us?!  I'm blown away by the mere thought of that.  I spend so much time agonizing and worrying about what's ahead of me, that sometimes I forget to enjoy what God has placed at my feet right at this very moment. Such as...the Holy Spirit's presence in my life.  He's urging me on, convincing me to want God's will and to ask for it. 

During this particular study time, Curtis leaned over, looked me in the eye, and asked, "So, what's OUR blue Schwinn bike?"  I thank God that He has given us the Holy Spirit to show us what that will be.  We still pray fervently about what lies ahead for us, but it is with a renewed faith and hope that God will "convince" us that we desperately want His will, not ours.

My praise for today - A prayer from Paul to the Ephesians:  "Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen."  Ephesians 3:20-21

Love to ya!
Shell